In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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