I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
