fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
