i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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