I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
