Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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