Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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