what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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