Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
