I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize