Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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