I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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