Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
