have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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