Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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