Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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