He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
