We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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