guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize