I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
