Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
