i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
