I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think I am morally bankrupt
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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