What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
