drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
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