I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
