the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
NoShamevember. You game?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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