i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
