I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
