You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
