Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
