My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
