This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
