i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
