So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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