apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
