Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
