I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
