Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
