So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
