When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
