They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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