then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
