I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
