okay pat passed out under dana's car
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
