So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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