I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
