I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
