no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
