so explain again why im purple
no
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
