I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
