wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
