a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
