after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She told me I should be a condom model.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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