I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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