no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Come see our sink grown plant.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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