all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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