How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
