dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
