So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
