Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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