well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
