and she was petting her beer can
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
