The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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