i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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