I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
