i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
